Do you know someone that you'd like to date, but you're not sure if they feel the same way? Try a trick I invented a college. Make up a twin brother. I told this cute girl in American Lit. that she'd be perfect for my twin brother and that they should go out sometime. I told her that he was about my height, looked exactly the same and had a great sense of humor. Then I ask her if she wanted me to set them up on a blind date. Get the drift? If she wants to go out with my exact twin, then It's a safe bet that she's attracted to me too. I never did figure out how to explain that I didn't have a twin brother.. and still get to date her myself.
By the way that 'cute girl' would later go on to become Miss Vanna White. Of course, back then we knew her by her real name, Gary Beckman.
I wished they hadn't banned genetically modified foods. I was working on growing candy-corn on the cob. I had the texture down, but I couldn't keep it from tasting too sweet.
Those commercials about the stain-defender pants make everything look so good. Nothing sticks to your pants, and everything just rolls right off. Well, what they don't tell you is the stain defender isn't on the inside. Which isn't too bad, until you forget to wear underwear one day. I had to go back to wearing underwear, at least during the cooler months.
When the Irish need homewares do they go to Bed, Bath and Begora.
Like many folks, I grew up watching the tv show "Alice". But looking back I have to ask. Was Flo really a sex symbol? Why was everyone waiting in line to date her? Really, did she look any better than Vera? And why the heck did she leave after the first season? Were there that many movie roles for 50-year-old sex-symbols who weren't very attractive. My favorite episode is the one where Mel is really mean to the girls, and they have to team up to teach him a lesson.
Why are punks always looked at in a negative light? It's always "Punks vandalize a church" or "Punks mutilate a goat". What about all the good Punks do. Like all the charity drives and the single-father support groups they start up?
Here's a trick I learned while dating. If you're in a car with someone and you suddenly have to pass gas, don't worry. All you need to do is hold it until you can find a livestock truck on the road. Once you spot any semi hauling cows or horses, just let er rip. Silently of course. Then make a big deal.. "Oh my Lord, those cows are really stinking the road up. They reek. There should be a law".
Other options: You can use the same excuse if you can find a farm nearby. In a pinch even a truck with a dog in the back might work.
I make it no secret that my father died deep in the coal mines of West Virginia. I'm proud of the profession he gave his life for. I just wish he'd been killed in some sort of terrible mining accident, instead of choking to death on a raisin on his lunch break.
Because my talent for entertaining appeals to such a broad audience, I'll admit to you that I once tried my hand at Country Music. My career in comedy hadn't taken off yet and there were bills to pay. I had a back-up band and everything. But I have to tell you that Country Music has a real underbelly. It's a dirty business, with many ties to the mob.
How much farther can they go with these plug-in air fresheners? First they just smelled good.. then they were nightlights.. then they added an extra outlet.. then they added boiling oils. Now the latest model has a little fan built right in. The next step has to be to include a tiny 'mini-fridge'. Maybe it's just big enough to keep a pork chop in. And then Maybe they can add a little george foreman grill too. You can grill up a pork chop without ever going into the kitchen. Plus, you'd start to see special side-dish scents for the plug-in. Like 'mashed potatoes' to make you feel like you had a full meal.
One time a friend of mine delivered some tragic news. Another friend of mine had been killed in a rafting accident. I think I heard him wrong though, because a few months later I met up with the friend I thought he'd said was dead. I was so relieved I cried. Then I realize that he must have said someone else, so that one of my friends really had died in a rafting accident, but I had no idea which one. I raced home and tried to reach the friend who gave me the original bad news. I couldn't find him, so I started calling every friend I'd ever known, trying to find out which one I'd lost forever. This went on for a good twelve minutes. Finally, I exhausted myself, and I decided to go down to Dairy Queen for some of their new Brownie Batter Ice Cream. Oh, and this chapter is dedicated to my friend who lost his or her life. We miss you (fill in name here), you left us too soon.