I went to Kenny G night at the karaoke bar again. The guys that really bug me are the ones who actually bring their saxaphones. C'mon this is a karaoke bar, just make some kind of elephant noise and get off the stage.

So this guy calls trying to sell me life insurance. I said I wasn't interested, but I did give him some advice. The kind of insurance I'd like to see is haircut insurance. A policy that protects you from a bad haircut. If you feel your cut is unacceptable a claim adjuster comes down to take a look. "Oh, yeah, there's nothing to salvage here, It's totaled. We'll pay for the haircut and give you enough for a nice hat." -or- "Most of the damage is in the back here, we'd like you to come down and see our in-house barber." Then you get the really bad news. "Scott, this is your fourth bad haircut this year. I'm afraid your premium is going up."

I'm at the beach and someone pulls a nearly-drowned lady out of the ocean. She's not breathing so immediately I run over. I clear the people out of the way. "Stand back, I know ESP!" A woman with a crystal necklace jumps in. "Oh my gosh, you knew this was going to happen?" Then I realize what I said. "I'm sorry, I meant to say I know CPR." She says "well, then save this woman!!!" I say "actually, when I said I know ESP, I meant that I have a card in my wallet that takes you through the steps." She says, "You mean CPR?" I said, "right!" I don't really remember what happened to the drowned woman, but I'll always remember the day I learned to mean what you say.

I like to believe that I love all the races of the world equally. Nobody's better than anyone else. But, I must admit I have a predujice against the cannibals. I would not let my daughter date a cannibal. If cannibals move into my neighborhood, I'll have a problem with it. They come over here and take our jobs. They also eat people.

When you're single a lot of meals end up being cereal and milk. One morning I realized all the milk was gone, but I did have some cool whip left. It was the best bowl of cereal I ever had. The cereal never gets soggy and you can make little whip cream mountains of Lucky Charms marshmallows (green clover mountains). That sugary residue that milk leaves at the bottom of the bowl isn't there, but let's face it the whole bowl is residue this way. The cool whip is also easier on my false teeth.

Sometimes when I can't sleep, I think about how bodies work. For instance, where does snot come from. It must come from a gland, and did you ever stop to think that somewhere in your body is the powdered form of snot. Almost like those packets of kool-aid. It sits around all day as a harmless pile of dried granules. Then a drop of water is added and ta-dah.. instant snot. Just think if we could make this powder in bulk. You could throw a cup of powder in your grandpa's face, then douse him with a hose. Kazaam.. he'd be covered in mucus. It can't be that hard to make in a lab. I wish I could afford Claritin.

I'll tell you why so many kids go wrong these days. I can remember back to my high school years, that during the tough times sometimes the only solace I could find was on the Hacky-sack field. Where my love for the game helped me deal with my growing pains. So where are all the hacky-sack fields today? They've been replaced by shopping malls and parking lots. Dedicate a few more hacky-sack fields in your neighborhood and give your kids a future.

The problem with drinking a cup of lava is to find a cup that can hold lava. I mean lava is actually melted rock, and what could you make the cup out of that wouldn't melt right away. Maybe some kind of steel alloy solves our problem. And even if the cup won't melt, the cup itself would be thousands of degrees. Now how are you going to pick up a steaming hot cup of lava with your bare hands. You're going to need a thick pair of gloves. All of this hassle just to get the mug of molten slag to your lips. So, after a lot of thought, I conclude that it's just not worth all the trouble just to drink lava.

I have a locker at work. Some people leave their locker unlocked during the day while on the job, but not me. My lock stays locked. I've got important secrets in there. Someone could get in there and find out who shot JFK, who built the pyramids, why the Titanic sunk. I also keep an extra deodorant in there, and it's off limits. Who shot Abraham Lincoln? Wouldn't you like to know.